Are you someone who struggles to bring up a concern? You hesitate because you don’t want to seem too much. You’re aware that addressing it might help resolve the underlying tension and potential misunderstandings. The echo of phrases like “Why aren’t you ever satisfied?” leaves you questioning your worth. And so you decide to let it go until you sense anxiety or anger bubbling up.
Or are you someone who has big feelings and loves to celebrate every little achievement? You are the most extroverted one in your circle. You might find yourself shrinking, trying to fit into a mould that feels uncomfortable, all in an attempt to be more acceptable to others. Perhaps you’ve even persuaded yourself that you’re the issue—that by adjusting your behaviour, you’d ultimately receive love or appreciation.
Congratulations! Now you feel not good enough and too much trouble, all at once!
But here’s the truth: your needs, your energy, and your very essence are not too much. They are a vital part of who you are. In this article, we’ll explore why your needs are valid and how you can start embracing them as an essential part of your authentic self.
We will also examine when you may be crossing someone’s boundary, as well as potential mental health conditions and attachment styles that might be influencing such behaviours. Without further ado, let’s dive in!
The Roots Of Feeling Too Much
Anxious Attachment Style– Individuals with an anxious attachment style have a fear of abandonment. This leads to seeking frequent reassurance and validation from those around them. They may ask their romantic partners “Do you still love me?”. This intense need for connection can at times overwhelm others, leading to perceptions that they are asking for too much, are clingy, or demanding.
Gender Norms – In the dating world, particularly for women, the feeling of being “too much” often stems from societal expectations and rigid gender norms. These norms dictate how women should behave, what they should want, and how they should express themselves. When women step outside these boundaries—by being assertive, expressive, or simply confident—they can be labeled as “too much” or “too aggressive.”
Beauty Standards – Thinness is often celebrated as the ideal, marginalizing those who do not fit this mould. Fat phobia, plays a significant role in making people feel like they are “too much.” The idea of “taking up space”—physically, emotionally, or socially—becomes a source of stigma.
Being Shamed For Seeking Connection – The hyper-focus on individual freedom and needs that arises from the Western culture, sets the wrong precedent. One might experience that they are asking for too much even if they need basic emotional support. Humans are wired for connection. Let there be no shame in that!
Psychological Impact Of Suppressing Emotions
Suppressing our emotions is appropriate in certain situations. You may be upset your date didn’t text you back so you let it go once or twice. You have an upcoming deadline but your best friend tells you her uncle just passed away, so you pipe down about your problems to be present for her. However, long-term suppression of needs and emotions can be fatal!
Suppressing emotions causes increases levels in stress. This helps explain why regular emotion suppressers tend to bring higher risks of heart disease and hypertension. Because a major function of emotions is to communicate our internal states with others, it’s also no surprise that individuals who suppress their emotions feel less socially connected and satisfied with their friends. They’re also more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
Reframing The Narrative With Self-Compassion and Acceptance
Carl Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” : Often, the person who tells you that you are being too much is someone who learnt that it was safe to play small. They think you are too sensitive because they might feel uncomfortable with intense emotions. Maybe they were to have fun in a limited manner so their parents would not be judged in public. So this is a projection of their personal discomfort on you, instead of it actually being you.
On the other hand, if you have observed that you are someone more sensitive than those around you, start embracing it. Accept that many of your peers and family members won’t understand you. Start making a list of ways these emotions have served you. Maybe they alerted you to troublesome individuals before something serious occured. Or your anger showed you that you let someone violate your boundaries. And your tears show you that your ability to empathise with another is far greater.
Be the reassurance and validation you seek. Start accepting yourself for who you are. Tell yourself, “My needs are valid. And they can be met.” It is normal for us to be in our mid-20s and feel lost. This confusion of identity occurs when we lose a loved one, move cities for studies/work, when a relationship ends. This is reflective of how awareness of self comes from connecting with others. This is evident in the statement made by American sociologist Charles Cooley, “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am”.
Start by asking yourself the question, “Too much for who?”
Responding From An Anxious Vs Secure State
Here are some simple ways that can help you distinguish whether you are asking for a need to be met from an anxious or a secure state.
With A Romantic Partner – “I don’t know why you didn’t respond to my texts right away. Are you mad at me?” vs “I noticed we haven’t spent as much time together recently. Can we plan something special soon?”
With A Friend – “If you were really my friend, you’d make more time for me.” vs “I value our friendship and want to ensure we’re both feeling supported. How can we stay connected?”
With A Family Member – “Do you still care about me, or am I just a burden?” vs “I understand you’re busy, but I’d love to catch up when you have time.”
The Difference Between Having Needs And Being Over-Demanding
Determining whether you are being over-demanding or unreasonable can be challenging, especially in relationships where emotions and expectations are involved. Here are some signs that you are over-demanding:
Lack Of Consideration – Expecting them to drop everything to make you feel safe. Example: “I need you to come over right now, even though I know you’re busy.”
Excessive Requests – “I want you to text me every hour when you’re out with friends.”
Disregard For Boundaries – A family member insists on knowing every detail of your personal life, even after you’ve expressed a desire for privacy.
One-Sided Relationships – A friend always expects you to be there for them but never reciprocates the support. They might say, “I know you’re going through something, but I really need you to focus on my problems right now.”
Conditional Love – A partner only shows affection or support when you meet their demands, making their love feel conditional. They might say, “I’ll only be happy with you if you do exactly what I ask.”
Guilt-Tripping – “If you really cared about me, you would do this for me, no questions asked.”
Here are examples of having perfectly reasonable needs:
Asking If They Have Reached Safely – You ask your significant other to call or text once they have reached and left the spot where they are meeting their friends.
Reasonable Request – A friend asks you to pick them up from the airport, knowing you’re free and that you’ve done similar favors for each other in the past.
Boundaries With Family Members – “I love spending time with the family, but I also need some time to myself during the holidays. Would it be okay if I skip one of the gatherings to recharge?”
Respecting Their Time – “I’m having a tough week and could use some support. Would you be able to talk for a bit?”
Pausing During Conflict – “When we argue, it’s important to me that we both take a moment to cool down before continuing the conversation. Can we agree to take a short break if things get too heated?”
Ending On A Hopeful Note
The good news is that not everyone you meet will feel that you are asking for too much! Those of us who have done their personal work and learned how to reclaim and accept those parts are secure withing themselves. They are attuned to their deep and strong feelings, needs, wants and dreams. For those people, you are probably not too much.
And when you too, claim your ‘too muchness’, and integrate it, you can come home to yourself.
If you are looking for counselling or psychotherapy, please book a session using our online calendar.
