Losing someone you love is one of the most painful experiences in life. But watching your partner grieve can be equally difficult in a different way. You want to help, but you might not know what to say or do. You’re scared of saying the wrong thing or making them feel worse. It’s hard to strike that balance between giving them space and being there for them — and it’s even harder when their grief shows up in ways you weren’t prepared for.
So, how do you support your partner through bereavement without feeling like you’re walking on eggshells? How can you help them heal without losing yourself in the process? Let’s break it down step-by-step.
1. Acknowledge Their Loss — Don’t Try to Fix It
When someone is grieving, the last thing they need is a solution. Grief isn’t a problem to be solved — it’s a wound that needs time to heal.
It’s natural to want to make your partner feel better. You might be tempted to say things like:
- “At least they’re in a better place now.”
- “Time heals everything.”
- “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
While these might sound comforting, they often have the opposite effect. They minimize the loss and make your partner feel like they shouldn’t be grieving as deeply as they are.
Instead, try acknowledging their pain without trying to take it away:
- “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
- “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
- “I’m here with you.”
Your partner doesn’t need you to explain their pain away — they need you to sit with them in it. Let them know you see their pain and that it’s okay for them to feel it.
Example:
If your partner’s father passed away, and they’re feeling overwhelmed by memories, you don’t have to offer advice. Instead of saying, “Try not to think about it too much,” try something like, “It’s okay if you need to talk about him. I’m here to listen.”
2. Understand That Grief is Messy
Grief isn’t linear. It’s not like your partner will feel a little better every day until they’re suddenly fine again. Some days they might seem okay, and then suddenly something small — a song, a smell, a photograph — might bring all the pain rushing back.
Be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster. They might lash out at you, withdraw completely, or even seem cold and distant. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong — it’s just how grief works.
It’s easy to take this personally, especially when you’re trying your best to be supportive. But remember: their grief isn’t about you. It’s about their loss.
Instead of reacting to their emotional ups and downs, try to stay steady. If they lash out, take a breath and remind yourself that it’s the pain talking — not them. If they withdraw, give them space but let them know you’re still there.
Example:
If your partner snaps at you for no reason, instead of saying, “Why are you being so rude?” you could say, “I can see you’re upset. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
3. Encourage Them to Feel Their Feelings
Many of us are conditioned to “be strong” during difficult times. Your partner might try to hold it all together, put on a brave face, or downplay their emotions.
But grief needs to be processed — not suppressed. If they try to avoid their feelings, it might lead to emotional shutdown or even resentment later on.
Encourage them to express what they’re feeling, even if it’s messy. That might mean crying, getting angry, or simply sitting in silence. Let them know that whatever they’re feeling is okay — there’s no “right” way to grieve.
You could say:
- “It’s okay to cry.”
- “You don’t have to be strong right now.”
- “You’re allowed to feel angry or confused. It’s normal.”
4. Be Patient With Their Healing Process
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. Your partner might still be struggling months or even years later. Special dates — birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays — might bring fresh waves of sadness.
Avoid trying to “move them along” or suggesting that they should be over it by now. Healing doesn’t work that way. Instead of focusing on when they’ll “get better,” focus on helping them through the moment they’re in. Even if you think your support isn’t doing much, don’t give up on being there unconditionally. Research shows that social support can reduce the severity of sadness caused by bereavement.
What patience looks like:
- Don’t say: “It’s been six months — shouldn’t you be feeling better by now?”
- Instead say: “Take as much time as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
5. Offer Practical Support — Not Just Emotional
Sometimes the most meaningful support isn’t emotional — it’s practical. When your partner is grieving, even basic tasks like cooking, cleaning, or paying bills can feel overwhelming.
You can lighten their load by quietly taking care of these things without making a big deal about it.
- Make them a meal or order their favorite comfort food.
- Offer to handle a difficult phone call or run errands.
- If they have kids, offer to watch them so your partner can have some time to breathe.
These small acts of care can give your partner the mental space they need to grieve without feeling overwhelmed by daily responsibilities.
Example:
If your partner’s mother passed away and they’ve been too exhausted to cook, instead of asking, “Do you want me to make dinner?” just make it. Or better yet, order their favorite takeout and say, “I thought you might need this tonight.”
6. Take Care of Yourself Too
Supporting a grieving partner can take a toll on you emotionally. It’s easy to pour all your energy into helping them and forget about your own needs. But you can’t be there for them if you’re running on empty.
Make sure you have your own emotional outlets:
- Talk to a friend or therapist about how you’re feeling.
- Set aside time to engage in activities that recharge you.
- Don’t feel guilty for needing space sometimes — it’s okay to take breaks.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it makes you better equipped to support your partner in the long run.
7. Respect Their Individual Grieving Style
Everyone processes grief differently. Some people need to talk it out; others need quiet time. Some people feel better when they stay busy, while others need to slow down and process.
Pay attention to what your partner seems to need — not what you think they need.
- If they want to talk, listen without judgment.
- If they need space, give them that without making them feel guilty.
- If they don’t know what they need (which is likely), be patient and flexible.
Example:
If your partner feels better when they’re distracted, suggest going for a walk, watching a light movie, or visiting a friend. If they seem withdrawn, let them know it’s okay to sit in silence — you’re comfortable just being with them.
8. Gently Suggest Professional Help If Needed
Sometimes grief can become complicated or turn into depression. If your partner seems stuck in their grief — struggling to get out of bed, losing interest in things they once enjoyed, or feeling hopeless — it might be time to suggest speaking to a therapist.
Approach it gently:
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been finding it hard to get through the day. Would you like to talk to someone about it?”
- “It’s okay if you need extra help — you don’t have to go through this alone.”
Don’t push them, but let them know that seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness — it’s a sign of strength.
9. Be There for the Long Haul
Grief doesn’t disappear after the funeral. It lingers in quiet moments — on birthdays, anniversaries, and random Tuesday afternoons when a certain song comes on.
Continue to check in on your partner long after others have stopped asking how they’re doing.
- “I know this time of year is hard for you. How are you holding up?”
- “I’m thinking about you today.”
- “Let me know if you want to talk or just sit together.”
Loving your partner a little more when you think you’ve done enough will help love last.
If you’re looking for counselling or psychotherapy, please book a session online using our calendar.
