Breaking up is rarely easy, even when you know it’s the right decision. Yet, months or even years later, you might still find yourself thinking about your ex, wondering why moving on feels so impossible. It’s not uncommon to feel stuck, emotionally drained, or even question yourself: Why can’t I let go?
The truth is, getting over someone isn’t just about time or distance. It’s about understanding the deep-rooted emotional, psychological, and even biological ties that bind us to our past relationships. Let’s explore some reasons why moving on from an ex can feel so difficult and how you can start to heal.
- Emotionally Attached
When we enter a relationship, we naturally form emotional attachments. This bond goes beyond love; it’s about feeling secure, seen, and valued. Over time, your partner becomes someone you rely on emotionally, mentally, and physically. When that connection is severed, it can feel like losing a part of yourself.
Psychologically, the brain interprets a breakup as a form of loss, triggering similar emotions to those experienced during grief. And so, you experience the pain of losing a whole person. Perhaps, this emotional attachment you had isn’t something that can be cut overnight. It’s why you might still find yourself checking their social media, reminiscing about shared memories, or replaying old conversations in your mind. This attachment creates a psychological barrier to moving on, keeping you tethered to your ex.
What can help?
Acknowledge your feelings instead of trying to suppress them. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, much like you would mourn the loss of anything valuable in your life. Journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help process these emotions and begin loosening the grip of attachment.
- Romanticizing the Past
Have you ever noticed that after a breakup, you start to remember the good times more vividly than the bad? This is because our brains have a funny way of romanticizing the past. It’s a coping mechanism. By focusing on the positives, we momentarily avoid the pain of separation.
However, this selective memory can be harmful. When you only remember the good times, you begin to question if the breakup was necessary. You might find yourself thinking, Was it really that bad? Maybe I could’ve handled things differently? or Maybe I made a mistake. This romanticized version of your ex can keep you trapped in a cycle of longing for a relationship that was never as perfect as it seems right now in your head.
What can help?
Try to balance your memories by being honest with yourself. Remember why the relationship ended. Write down both the positive and negative aspects- how you could’ve been wrong sometimes but also how you have been wronged too, at times. Keeping a clear perspective can help you avoid falling into the nostalgia trap.
- Comfort in Familiarity
Those we share a relationship with often become a part of our daily routine. From texting them good morning to planning weekends together, your ex had become an integrated part of your life, in countless ways. Breaking up means more than just losing a person — you’re losing a part of your daily structure and comfort zone.
This disruption in routine can create a sense of discomfort or even anxiety as it can all feel so new. As humans, we crave stability and familiarity. When your routine changes abruptly after a breakup, it’s natural to feel lost or uncertain about how to move forward. Sometimes, this leads to clinging onto the past, not necessarily because you miss the person, but because you miss the structure they provided.
What can help?
Start by creating new routines and habits that don’t involve your ex. This could be picking up a hobby, focusing on self-improvement, or even setting small daily goals. Slowly, you’ll build a life that feels stable without them. You just have to find the courage to start somewhere and I know it’s easier said than done but it can bring you the routine you need.
- The Need for Answers
One of the biggest reasons people struggle to move on is the lack of closure. Breakups can sometimes feel unfinished, especially if they ended abruptly or without a clear explanation. Not knowing why things fell apart can leave you obsessing over every detail, searching for answers, and even blaming yourself.
But what you need to remember is– closure isn’t always something your ex can provide. In fact, waiting for it can keep you stuck in the past. You may never get a satisfying answer to why the relationship ended, but that doesn’t mean you can’t move forward. Closure can be anything that helps you make sense of your situation.
What can help?
Accept that closure is something you give yourself, not something you get from someone else. You may never understand why your ex left, but by focusing on what the relationship taught you about yourself, you can find peace. Accepting that not all questions need answers can give you some closure you need to move on. Reflect on what you’ve learned from the relationship and use those lessons as personal growth rather than waiting for external validation or answers.
- Loneliness and More
For some people, the idea of being single after a long relationship can be terrifying. It’s not just about the loneliness — it’s about the fear of the unknown, the fear of sitting with this feeling of emptiness. Who will fill the emotional void? Will you find someone else? What if this person was “the one,” and you missed your chance?
This fear can make you hold onto your ex, even if deep down, you know the relationship wasn’t right for you. It’s human nature to cling to something familiar rather than face the uncertainty of being alone.
What can help?
Understand that being single isn’t a failure or a punishment. It’s an opportunity to rediscover yourself, your interests, and your values. Focus on building a fulfilling life that doesn’t depend on a romantic partner. When you’re happy alone, future relationships will feel more balanced and less about filling a void.
Another thing to remember is that feeling lonely has less to do with having a romantic partner and more to do with having a strong sense of connection with others. When you feel lonely, try finding new connections or building on the ones you already have with people in your life. Make plans with friends and family, talk to them, and get involved in their lives. You might just discover that there’s already so much love in your life that you never really tapped into.
- Love as Addiction
It might sound dramatic, but love can be addictive — literally. When you’re in love, your brain releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which make you feel good. Research shows that brain areas activated when you’re in love are similar to those activated in addicts (of substance use, gambling, etc).
After a breakup, these chemicals stop flowing, and your brain goes into withdrawal causing you to feel anxious and physically aching. Therefore, a breakup is more than just emotional pain; it’s also physical. You crave the emotional high you got from being with your ex, leading to feelings of emptiness or even desperation.
What can help?
Like any form of addiction, healing takes time. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can help fill the emotional void. Engage in activities that release positive chemicals, like exercise, meditation, or creative outlets, to help rebalance your brain. It won’t work immediately, but it will eventually, so try to stay consistent with it.
- Your Identity Is Tied to the Relationship
Relationships often shape how we view ourselves. If your self-worth became tied to your partner’s validation, losing them can make you feel lost or inadequate. You might think, If they didn’t want me, maybe I’m not good enough or maybe something’s wrong with me.
This type of thinking is dangerous because it places your self-worth in someone else’s hands. Your identity becomes dependent on your ex, making it even harder to move on because, in a way, losing them feels like losing yourself.
What can help?
Work on rebuilding your sense of self. What did you like doing most? What activity did you always wished to try? It can be anything that can help you have fun and find out more about yourself. In addition to that, practice self-compassion, set personal goals, remind yourself that your value doesn’t depend on anyone else’s approval and use positive affirmations that cater to your self-esteem. Friends, family, self-help resources and therapy can also help you untangle your identity from your past relationship.
How Can Counselling/ Therapy Help You?
Processing Emotions: Therapy provides a safe space for you to express and process the emotions related to your breakup, helping you understand and release feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion.
Finding Closure: A therapist can guide you in exploring unresolved feelings and help you achieve a sense of closure, enabling you to let go of the past.
Reframing Thoughts: Therapy helps you identify negative thought patterns and replace them with more positive, constructive perspectives, allowing you to view your situation with more clarity and less deprecation.
Setting Goals: Your therapist can assist you in setting personal goals for your healing journey, empowering you to focus on self-improvement and creating a fulfilling life beyond your ex.
Building Resilience: Through therapy, you’ll develop coping strategies and resilience, making it easier for you to face future challenges and navigate relationships with confidence, ensuring that one negative experience with love doesn’t influence your future relationships.
The key to moving on is understanding that it’s normal to struggle, but it’s also possible to heal. By acknowledging your emotions, building new routines, and focusing on self-compassion, you can start to release the grip your ex has on your mind and heart.
Maybe, moving on isn’t about forgetting your ex — it’s about rediscovering yourself and creating a future where you can thrive, with or without a partner.
If you’re looking for counselling or psychotherapy, please book a session online using our calendar.
