The word “limerence” comes from the Latin word limerentia which means “to be lovesick.” American psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term in the 1970s to describe a state of intense infatuation or romantic obsession. Today, the term refers to an intense longing for another person even when they don’t fully reciprocate. The limerent person struggles to think about anything else but their “crush” and neglects their social life, work, and other responsibilities.
We understand that this definition can be conflated with the honeymoon phase of a reciprocal romantic relationship. This is why, in this blog, we will create a distinction between romantic love vs limerence and effective strategies to pull yourself out of the latter.
How To Spot Limerence?
Limerence usually involves two people: the person who desires the other (the limerent person) and the desired person (the limerence object, or LO). In today’s age where romantic relationships are being redefined, it can be tough to navigate feelings.
Here are some characteristic behaviours experienced by the limerent individual:
- Consistent and intrusive thoughts about the LO
- Idealisation of the LO, believing they are perfect
- Continuous reminders of LO by places, people, objects, and situations
- Intense fear of being rejected by the LO
- Mood fluctuations based on whether the LO seems to reciprocate feelings—for example, feeling happy when they call and devastated when they don’t.
- Overwhelming emotions ranging from euphoria to distress and guilt
- Spending excessive amounts of time grooming or beautifying yourself to impress the LO
A person experiencing limerence is often not concerned with the well-being of the individual they are obsessed with. This emotional state is primarily confined to the mind of the person experiencing it. In contrast, love involves genuine care for the other person, who is an important part of one’s life. In limerence, however, the significance of the other person can become exaggerated and disconnected from their actual importance in the individual’s life.
Love Vs Limerence
Limerence and love are fundamentally different. It seems to be equally prevalent in men and women and across racial and socioeconomic status. The way limerence expresses itself may differ to some degree according to societal gender norms, but the fundamental experience seems to be quite similar.
Love
- Strong feelings of attraction
- Ability to live a balanced life
- Willingness to compromise
- Acceptance of the other person’s flaws
- Commitment to a sexual relationship
Limerence
- Obsessive analysis of everything
- Uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts
- Anxiety when reciprocation is uncertain
- Idealisation of the other person
- A desire for reciprocation over all else
What Causes Limerence?
Insecure attachment, particularly the anxious attachment style, has intriguing parallels with the phenomenon of limerence. This emotional condition often traces its roots back to childhood experiences of inconsistent caregiving, which leaves individuals with a lopsided sense of security in their adult relationships.
When someone with an anxious attachment style enters a romantic partnership, they may find themselves preoccupied with their partner, displaying emotional dependence and low self-esteem. Their self-worth tends to hinge on the approval and acceptance of others, which cultivates a profound fear of rejection and an overwhelming desire to please their partner. This pattern mirrors the characteristics of limerence quite closely, leading many to believe that limerence may well be an offshoot of anxious attachment.
In essence, limerence isn’t simply about falling for the “perfect” person or the elusive soul mate. Instead, it often stems from unfulfilled emotional needs rooted in childhood experiences. Thus, the limerent individual’s intense longing isn’t solely tied to the object of their affection; rather, it reflects deeper, unmet needs that echo from their past.
Stages of Limerence
Limerence, often described as an all-consuming infatuation, unfolds in three distinct stages: infatuation, crystallization, and detachment or decline. Understanding these stages can help you recognize limerence and navigate its emotional intensity.
1. Infatuation Stage
This is where limerence begins—a whirlwind of excitement, obsession, and emotional highs. At this stage, you may find yourself daydreaming about the person, replaying every interaction, and searching for signs of reciprocation. They appear flawless, and your brain craves their attention like a reward. This stage is fueled by uncertainty and hope, keeping you hooked.
2. Crystallization Stage
During this phase, the feelings of limerence become more intense and deeply ingrained. You idealize the person to an extreme, ignoring their flaws or rationalizing any red flags. Their actions—whether real or imagined—carry immense weight in your mind. A smile, text, or casual interaction can feel like proof of destiny, while any perceived rejection triggers anxiety and self-doubt. Your emotional state is tied to how much attention or validation you receive from them, creating a cycle of anticipation and despair.
3. Detachment or Decline Stage
Limerence eventually fades, either when feelings are not reciprocated, the person becomes unavailable, or the limerent starts to recognize the unhealthy patterns at play. With time or intentional effort, the obsessive thoughts lose their intensity, and reality sets in. Detachment can feel painful at first, but it often brings relief and clarity, allowing space for personal growth and healthier relationships.
Limerence may feel overwhelming, but it’s temporary. By understanding these stages, you can take steps toward emotional freedom and deeper self-awareness.
Steps To Overcome Limerence
Acknowledgement And Self-Awareness – Recognise your feelings without judgment. Realize that your obsessive thoughts and fear of rejection stem from a mix of personal history and personality traits. Learn about the patterns behind your limerence and gently challenge them with more adaptive perspectives. Therapy can be a great way to build this awareness and work through these thought patterns effectively.
Build Your Self-Esteem – Reflect on past relationships that shaped your self-image. Strengthen your self-esteem by celebrating small wins, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care.
Shift Your Focus On Relationships Rooted In Love – Unlike limerence, true love is mutual and grounded. Set goals for relationships based on trust, respect, and emotional support to foster healthier connections.
Develop A Secure Attachment Style – It’s possible to “earn” a secure attachment style at any stage of life. By practising self-awareness, engaging in reflection, and seeking therapy, you can break old patterns and build healthier relational habits.
Make The “High” Of Limerence Repulsive – Limerence can feel like an emotional or physical addiction, fueled by fleeting “highs” from interactions with your crush. To break this cycle, start by recognizing how these behaviours only provide temporary pleasure. Begin to remove positive associations, such as unfollowing them on social media or deleting their photos. Replace these habits with self-feedback strategies such as self-interruption. For eg: when you catch yourself fantasising about them, set a timer (e.g., 3 minutes) to allow the thought but actively cut it off when the timer ends.
How Limerence Ends
Limerence may feel all-consuming while you’re in it, but the good news is that it doesn’t last forever. It’s a temporary state, often fading with time, awareness, and intentional action. While the journey to the end of limerence can be challenging, it’s also an opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and healthier connections.
Limerence ends in one of three common ways: either the feelings are reciprocated and evolve into a deeper, mutual relationship, the object of limerence becomes unavailable or loses its appeal, or you actively work to break free from the cycle. In most cases, time plays a critical role. With distance and perspective, the obsessive thoughts and emotional highs gradually diminish, allowing you to reclaim your mental and emotional energy. Therapy, self-reflection, and building self-esteem are powerful tools in this process.
The end of limerence is not just the closing of a painful chapter—it’s the start of a new one filled with hope and possibility. It’s a reminder that you’re capable of building connections that truly nurture and sustain you. Trust the process; brighter days are ahead.
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