Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What are we?”
You’re not alone. In the age of modern dating, labels are often avoided like the plague, leaving many stuck in the grey zone of what’s now popularly known as a “situationship.”
It’s not a committed relationship, but it’s also not casual enough to be called a fling. You hang out, you share a connection, there’s chemistry—but there’s no clarity, no direction. Sound familiar? While some situationships are perfectly harmless and mutual, others can be draining, emotionally confusing, and, at their worst, toxic.
If you’ve been feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or even hurt by your current “situationship,” let’s unpack what’s going on, how you can identify toxicity, and most importantly, how to gracefully exit stage left.
What Exactly is a Situationship?
To put it simply:
A situationship is a romantic connection without a clear definition or commitment. You’re more than friends but not quite partners. It’s like hovering on the edge of something “real” without ever diving in.
A situationship can start as:
- “Let’s keep it casual and see where it goes.”
- “We’re just having fun, no pressure.”
And while casual connections aren’t inherently bad, the issue arises when expectations, feelings, and unclear boundaries begin to clash.
Why Do People Get Into Situationships?
Now, here’s the tricky part: people don’t plan to get into a situationship. It often happens when two people want different things but aren’t ready to talk about it. Here are some reasons why people fall into this “no man’s land”:
- Fear of Commitment
Whether it’s past heartbreak, unresolved issues, or emotional unavailability, some people shy away from commitment altogether. A situationship allows them to experience intimacy without the responsibilities of a relationship. - Fear of Being Alone
For many, being single feels scarier than being stuck in something undefined. The idea of having “someone” (even if it’s deep into the grey zone and far from ideal) feels better than being alone. - Hope It Will Turn into Something More
You might think, “Maybe they just need time,” or “If I’m patient enough, they’ll commit.” You hold onto the potential, even if their actions suggest otherwise. The “I can change them” mindset might do you more harm than good. - Convenience
A situationship can feel easy—low expectations, no tough conversations, no need to “show up” fully. It’s a middle ground that doesn’t ask for much effort. Maybe you’re moving away soon and neither of you wish to do a long-distance relationship or maybe you’re from really different backgrounds and neither of you wish to adjust too much. Situationships are just easier that way (or so you think).
Signs of a Healthy vs Toxic Situationship
Not all situationships are bad. Some can be fulfilling, as long as both people are on the same page. But when that balance is missing, things can turn toxic fast.
Signs of a Healthy Situationship:
✅ You both communicate clearly & agree that things between you are casual.
✅ There are no mixed signals. What you see is what you get.
✅ You feel respected, valued, and safe around the person.
✅ There are boundaries: emotional and physical.
✅ You still prioritize your individual goals and well-being.
Signs of a Toxic Situationship:
❌ You feel anxious, confused, or emotionally drained.
❌ They give you mixed signals—hot one day, cold the next.
❌ You’re scared to ask, “What are we?” for fear of pushing them away.
❌ You compromise your values, self-worth, or boundaries to keep them happy.
❌ They don’t show up for you when you need them but expect you to be there for them.
❌ You’re constantly overthinking every text, call, or interaction.
How Does a Toxic Situationship Impact You?
A toxic situationship may start off as fun or exciting, but over time, the lack of clarity and emotional inconsistency can take a toll on your mental health.
Here’s how it can impact you:
- Emotional Rollercoaster
You’re constantly riding highs and lows. The “good days” keep you hooked, while the bad days leave you overanalyzing and questioning everything. - Decreased Self-Worth
When someone keeps you in the background without clarity or commitment, it’s easy to find faults with oneself. - Anxiety and Overthinking
You might find yourself checking your phone every five minutes, overanalyzing their words, or replaying conversations in your head. Worrying about something they said in an unpleasant tone– you wonder if you did something wrong. - Isolation
You might feel ashamed to talk about it with friends, worried they’ll judge you or tell you to “just leave.” - Stuck in a Cycle
Even when you’re unhappy, it feels hard to walk away because of the hope that things might change or that something is better than nothing or that “things aren’t always bad”.
In a study conducted by psychologists at the University of Toronto, researchers found that people who stay in unsatisfying romantic situations do so because they fear they won’t find anything better ( or in some cases, anything at all). This fear, called “relationship inertia,” keeps people stuck in toxic cycles.
But here’s the truth: Staying in something that drains you will only block the space for something better.
How to Get Out of a Toxic Situationship
Alright, here comes the tough love. If you’ve been waiting for a sign to walk away, this is it. Here’s how you can navigate your way out:
1. Accept That It’s Toxic
You can’t fix a problem you don’t acknowledge. Take a hard look at the connection:
- Are you constantly feeling undervalued?
- Are you making excuses for their behavior?
- Are you compromising your happiness?
Accepting the truth can feel painful, but it’s also the first step to freeing yourself.
2. Clarify What You Want
Ask yourself:
- “What do I really want out of a situationship?”
- “Does this situationship align with my needs and goals?”
If you’re craving commitment, stability, and respect, then staying in something undefined will only leave you unfulfilled.
3. Have the Tough Conversation
I know this can feel terrifying, but you owe it to yourself to speak up.
- Be clear and honest about how you feel: “I’m looking for more clarity and commitment. I don’t think this is working for me anymore.”
- Don’t let them gaslight you into staying if they say, “Why can’t you just relax and enjoy it?” Your needs are valid.
4. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Here’s the thing: You might feel tempted to stay “friends” or keep the door open. But sometimes, you need to completely close that chapter to heal.
- Avoid late-night texts or “casual hangouts.”
- Mute or block them on social media if seeing them affects your peace.
- Cherish the good times but remind yourself of the reasons you walked away.
5. Lean on Your Support System
Talk to your friends, family, or even a therapist. You don’t have to go through this alone. Surround yourself with people who remind you of your worth and help you stay strong.
6. Focus on Healing and Rebuilding Yourself
Walking away from a toxic situationship can feel like ripping off a Band-Aid. It’s painful at first, but you’ll soon realize how much lighter you feel. Use this time to:
- Rediscover what makes you happy.
- Pour your energy into hobbies, career goals, and self-care.
- Practice affirmations like, “I deserve a love that is clear, respectful, and fulfilling.”
Healing isn’t linear. You might miss them or have days where you second-guess your decision or even try to contact them. But trust that walking away is an act of self-love and stick with it.
Final Thoughts
Getting out of a toxic situationship isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. You deserve so much more than inconsistency, mixed signals, or emotional confusion. Relationships—of any kind—should add to your life, not drain it.
So, if you’ve been holding onto the hope that they’ll change or that things will magically become clearer, or that it’ll get easier with time, let this be your gentle nudge to choose yourself instead.
You are not “too much” for wanting clarity, respect, and commitment. Your feelings matter. Your happiness matters. And walking away from what isn’t serving you? That’s the ultimate grown-up-glow-up.
As cliché as it sounds, when you finally let go of the wrong thing, you make space for the right thing. And if letting go feels too difficult, reach out to a mental health counsellor and get the guidance you need. Help is always available.
Mental health matters, and help is always available. If you’re looking for counselling or psychotherapy, please book a session online using our calendar.
